Before any of us had children, we would get together at least once a week and GNO's / BNO's happened about once every other month.
My husband has never been a very social person, so it has always been up to me to make plans for us and keep our friendships alive. Currently, what little time we do spend with friends is only because I make it happen. My h has been invited to many BNO's (poker games and invited to play on fantasy baseball/football leagues) and declines all invites. Even though I told him it would be fine for him to go. GNO's are pretty non existent, really only occuring for special occasions - bridal showers, baby showers, etc. Most of us are past that stage now and it's been a long time since I have recoeved an invite for anything that was not a couples event. This is mostly because the women are the primary caregivers to the kids and it's not as easy for us all to leave our lids with the husbands to go out.
My H recently read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." (Which I was happy about.) I have not read the book myself, but he mentioned to me that it says he should spend more time fostering friendships with other guys thru BNO's. I told him he should start accepting some of the invitations that come his way. He then turned it around on me, and said that I need to have more friends too and that I need to get involved in GNO's.
I was a little taken aback. I understand why the book recommended guy friends. My response is whatever makes him come out of his shell and makes him happier. But I have some strange thoughts on friendships in a marraige.
In general, I feel that mutual couple friends are great. Occasional BNO's / GNO's are ok, too, provided they are with a mostly married group of people and the focus is not to engage in singles activities. But I still expect my H to be my best friend. I still expect our narraige to be our primary source of enjoyment and friendship. I feel that we are missing this crucial piece of our relationship right now, and I have a hard time believing that the answer is to fill that void by looking outside the marraige.
I took offense a bit when he basically told me I need to make more friends. First, all my current girlfriends are just as busy with work/kids as I am, so we don't have time to get together for GNO's often. Second, I have been putting my effort into fostering that kind of friendship with my H instead (despite how much it feels like treading water at times). I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.
I support my husband in having his own activities and friends, but hurt a bit when he told me I had to do the sake. Also a bit hurtful that he's so readily seeking this kind of relationship elsewhere when I have been working tirelessly to grow it in our narraige - although he says "the book told me you'd say that." Sigh.
So, what's normal? I have a fear that if I start working hard to grow close friendships outside of my marraoge (even with other women) that I will lose my patience with my H and will be less willing to try to share my life with him. I see more harm than good, and can't get over feeling like that's not really what I want.
The thought occurred to me though, that maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what a marriage should ne. Maybe we are not supposed to be each others best friends and that realization really shook me to my core.
Am I the weird one? Someone please tell me.,
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Last edited by kag123; Today at 07:11 PM.
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